Marriage

A guy wants to get to know me through Mut’a (temporary marriage), what to do?

Marriage, Women, Youth,

Question:

I am writing to you regarding a question about Mut’a (temporary marriage). I am very confused as to what I should do.

I am 18, and recently a boy the same age as me asked for my hand in marriage, but that this is for the coming years, when he becomes independent. He has asked me privately and no one else knows about it.

The only problem is that it is not permissible to chat nor meet. So, to make it Halal (permissible) he suggested temporary marriage for 2-3 years to get to know each other in a Halal way. I don’t have any problem with that but I’m sure my father will never accept Mut’a, as it is not acceptable in my culture. For this reason I am confused.

I have done some research and found out that there are different Fatwas on this issue. Please help me as I am very confused.

Answer:

In a nutshell, please consider the following fatherly advice not only from a Sheikh, but a marriage counsellor for over 20 years:

Doing a secret temporary marriage without the consent and knowledge of your family, especially your father -even if it were jurisprudentially permissible – would be a big risk. I don’t advise you for the following reasons:

1. Temporary marriage will most likely – whether willingly or unwillingly – end in sexual intercourse and the loss of virginity: then if for whatever reason the relation doesn’t work, you will drastically lose the chance of future (marriage) proposals.

2. You will not be able to hide it for long, and somehow it will be disclosed soon: consider the embarrassment and the danger associated with that!

3. If the purpose of the temporary marriage is just to get to know each other, then that can be achieved without temporary marriage, with the advantage of not falling into the abovementioned turmoil.

4. Psychologically it is proven that secret relations and falling into secret romantic love doesn’t last long. There will always be a doubt in your partner’s mind that ‘if she could hide it from her parents – her blood & flesh – how can I be sure that she won’t hide it from me one day?!

5. There is no commitment in temporary marriage, and hence by definition, it is destined to expire. However, after a while, girls naturally become attached to their partners, and if for whatever reason such a relationship does not lead to permanent marriage, it will deeply damage the girl’s emotions.

6. It is always more decent and respectful for a girl for her suitor to ask for her hand through her safety net (i.e. her family, or a fatherly figure in the case of reverts). A man who is determined to approach a girl’s family – despite the possible hurdles – is more serious and hence can be trusted more.

It is for these and many more reasons that the absolute majority of our jurists do not bless the temporary marriage of young girls – such as in your age – without the consent of their fathers; they have done this either through a Fatwa, such as Ayatollah Sistani, or as through obligatory precaution, such as Ayatollah Khamenei.

May God protect you and all our youth.

Answered by: Sheikh Mansour Leghaei

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Can a woman marry a man who commits fornication?

Marriage

Question:

Is it okay for a woman who is a virgin to marry a man who commits fornication specifically if she doesn’t know and finds out later? She asks him to repent and despite getting married he continues this sinful practice.

 

Answer:

Marrying a fornicator is not Haraam, it is Makrooh (not recommended). Secondly, the rule is the same whether a girl who wants to marry him is virgin or not. Also, if he has repented and no longer commits the sin of fornication, then its not even Makrooh to marry him.

Answered by: Sheikh Mansour Leghaei

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A Muslim marrying into a different cultural background?

Marriage, Parenting, Youth

Question:

I have had a big issue in regards to the cultural mentality of Muslims in that there is a stigma against marrying others outside of our culture. I find this to be a very big problem especially when it falls into the realm of marrying a convert.

For example, if a girl is a convert and is of a different background than the male (or vice versa), we are told, under precaution, to stay away from marriage to them, but then how do we expect them to get married? How do we remedy this mentality? Is there any justification for such a mentality? Can you give examples from the life of the Ahlul Bayt (the holy household of Prophet Mohammed) that points to a solution for this?

Answer:

There is nothing in the teachings of Islam that says that a person should marry someone from their own cultural background. In fact, Islam sets only the criteria of faith and compatibility- any other criteria is foreign to Islam. The Prophet (pbuh) himself married convert women who were not of Arab background. One of his wives, for examples, was from a Jewish background and she converted to Islam.

Similarly, a number of the Imams (a.s) married women from different backgrounds who were converts (Persian, North African, Roman). These women also became the mothers of Imams (a.s).

In addition to this, the Prophet (pbuh) actively sought to marry former slaves of African background, as well as companions from other backgrounds, to Arab women. In fact, we have narrations from companions complaining that the Caliphs after the Prophet-some of whom would not allow non-Arab men to marry Arab women- were discriminating against them.

Therefore, marrying across cultures is not only okay, it is one of the practices of the Ahlul Bayt. In contrast, the restriction of marriage to within one’s own culture is a purely cultural and non-Islamic practice.

Answered by: Dr Ali Alsamail
Certified by: Sheikh Mansour Leghaei

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My son wants to divorce his fiancee after the nikkah during the engagement period

Marriage, ,

Question:

My son got engaged a few weeks ago and the nikkah was performed. For several reasons he wants to end the engagement and get a divorce. As part of the mahr, we had set an amount for the mokadam and mo’akhar, and there were several gifts of jewellery and the engagement party, how do we go about it?

Answer:

At the time of the nikah, there should have been an agreement on the total amount of mahr. If he wants to divorce her and the marriage has not been consummated (they have not had intercourse), he must pay her half of the total agreed mahr, and he can not deduct the gifts or expenses of engagement from her due Mahr.

Answered by: Dr Ali Alsamail
Certified by: Sheikh Mansour Leghaei

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How to deal with constant arguments affecting my marriage?

Etiquettes, Marriage, Parenting, ,

Question:

My husband and I have many bad arguments. He will sometimes remain angry at me for days, even weeks, and he will even be angry at our kids and not talk to us. I try to calm him down afterwards, but he will ignore me. I have even tried saying “salaamu alaykum” to him, because I know it is compulsory to return the salaam, but he won’t even return the salaam. He is a good man and I really love him, but I am scared for the punishment he may face in the hereafter because of his anger. Please help.

Answer:

Good courtesy and manners between husband and a wife are very important. One of the reasons for punishment in Barzakh is ill conduct with one’s  spouse and family members.

Sa’ad ibn Ma’ath was one of the closest and dearest companions of the  Prophet. When he died, the Prophet (pbuh) himself carried his coffin and prepared his grave, and said that thousands of angels came to honour Sa’ad.  However, the Prophet still said that Sa’ad may be punished in the grave because “there was an evil in his conduct with his family”.

Therefore,a a husband should refrain from mistreating his family if he wants to be relieved from the punishment of the grave/barzakh. Furthermore, because usually a man’s wife and children are under his authority, if a person abuses that authority and oppresses those who are helpless against him, his family’s Aid against him would be none but Allah (SWT), and one does not want to become the subject of Allah’s (SWT) wrath.

On the other hand, it is also the wife’s duty to be good to her husband, otherwise she will face the punishment of the grave as well. If on the other hand, she is patient in regards to her husband’s bad manners she will get “the reward of a thousand martyrs”

See the narrations below:

Imam Ali (as): “The punishment of the grave will be because of tale-bearing, not avoiding urine, and a man dissociating himself from his wife”.

Imam Sadiq (a.s): “Accursed, accursed is a woman who annoys her husband and grieves him. Blessed, blessed is a woman who honours her husband and does not annoy him and obeys him in all matters.” (Mostadrak 14:247)

“O Haula! By the One who sent me truly a Prophet, there is no woman who replies back to her husband, but she will be hung on the Day of Judgment by her tongue and will be nailed by Fire.” (Ibid)

Answered by: Dr Ali Alsamail
Certified by: Sheikh Mansour Leghaei

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During an argument I told my wife she is no longer my wife, are we divorced now?

Marriage, Parenting,

Question:

During an argument with my wife I mentioned “you are not my wife”, this was done in the heat of the moment and as far as I was aware, I had no intention to actually divorce her. Does this mean we are divorced? Please advise, we are a bit confused.

Answer:

This does NOT mean you are divorced. Your marriage is still in order.

Answered by: Dr Ali Alsamail
Certified by: Sheikh Mansour Leghaei

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Can a Muslim marry a polytheist (one who does not believe in God)?

Interfaith Dialogue, Marriage, Monotheism,

Question:

What is the rule for a Muslim man who wants to marry a Hindu or atheist?

Answer:

The Holy Qur’an says:
“And do not marry *Al-Mushrikat *(idolatresses, etc.) till they believe (worship Allah Alone). And indeed a slave woman who believes is better than a (free) *Mushrikah *(idolatress, etc.), even though she pleases you. And give not (your daughters) in marriage to *Al-Mushrikun *till they believe (in Allah Alone) and verily, a believing slave is better than a (free) *Mushrik *(idolater, etc.), even though he pleases you. Those (*Al-Mushrikun*) invite you to the Fire, but Allah invites (you) to Paradise and Forgiveness by His Leave, and makes His *Ayat * clear to mankind that they may remember.

It is absolutely forbidden to marry a woman who is a polythiest (this includes a Hindu woman). Even though you may get along with this man/woman now, there are many problems with marrying a non-Muslim, especially if she is not from one of the monotheiestic religion:

– You will not be able to practice your religion, even in the simple things like eating halal and tahir food
– You will not be able to bring up your children in an Islamic manner, and your children will most likely grow up confused and not know what to believe
– The disbelievers invite, whether intentionally or not, to leave our religion and this will lead us to the Hell-Fire, as the Qur’anic ayah says.
– You put yourself at risk of losing your religion in order to avoid conflict at home.

Maybe you can try inviting them to Islam? Please refer to this question: How can I convert a non-Muslim to Islam?

Answered by: Dr Ali Alsamail
Certified by: Sheikh Mansour Leghaei

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Can a man withhold the dowry from his wife and donate it to the poor if he dies?

Islamic Laws (Fiqh), Marriage, ,

Question:

My husband has not given me my dowry since we got married, despite my repeated requests to him. Furthermore, he is saying that if he dies he will donate it to charity and not pay it to me. Does Islam let him do this?

Answer:

Once the marriage is consummated the wife deserves her full Mahr (dowry) especially if she is asking for it. In Islam, the Mahr (dowry) is a debt on men upon their marriage. If one borrows money with no intention of returning it, he is a thief.

It is narrated from Imam Sadiq (a.s): “There are three kinds of thieves: the one how does not pay his Zakat, the one who does not pay the Mahr of his wife (whilst being able to pay it), and the one who borrows money without any intention of repaying it.” (Wasaelu-Shi’a vol.21 p.268)

Answered by: Sheikh Mansour Leghaei

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On lowering the gaze (meaning of Ayah 30 in Surah Nur)

Hijab, Marriage, Social Issues, , ,

Question:

“Tell the believing men to reduce [some] of their vision and guard their private parts. That is purer for them. Indeed, Allah is Acquainted with what they do.” (Surah Nur: 30)

Does the imply also to those who intend on looking at woman to find the one who they can perform mutah (temporary marriage) with for instance?

Answer:

If a man is genuinely interested in marrying a woman (permanently or temporarily) and there is a kind of promising situation, then he is allowed to look her in order for the purposes of marriage.

However, this does not justify a person looking at lots of women and saying to himself that he considers them to be potential temporary wives.

Rather, he should limit his looks to the situation where he is serious about entering into marriage with a woman, and the situation seems promising.

Answered by: Dr Ali Alsamail
Reviewed by: Sheikh Mansour Leghaei

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Is it necessary to disclose past sins to a potential husband/wife?

Marriage, Social Issues, ,

Question:

I am born Muslim but never practiced islam properly until a few months now. In the past however, I committed zinnah (fornication) and other sins when I wasn’t practicing. I am repenting to Allah for my past sins and I have changed my ways, I am following the right way and have taken on the hijab as well. I have found a good Muslim man to marry but I am scared to tell him about my past. Especially about not being a virgin. Is it required to tell him before marriage?

Answer:

Islamically, it is highly discouraged to divulge our sins to anyone.

However, if the husband makes it a condition that his wife be a virgin, or you know that he considers this a condition, then he has the right to anull the marriage if he later finds out that the wife is not a virgin.

Answered by: Dr Ali Alsamail
Certified by: Sheikh Mansour Leghaei

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